I've been reading through some old journals recently.Whether this is part of my process of re-discovering myself that I pursued last year, or whether it is just synchronicity or serendipity or happenstance... it's been very enlightening, entertaining, and somewhat bizarre.
While of course I have forgotten some incidents and others come alive in my mind union re-reading... the parts about my sugar binging and overconsumption just seem... unreal.
Even when I REMEMBER the incident, such as a time on study abroad when I when to the pastry shop and ate 4 pastries PLUS candy and then went to my homestay family and STUFFED myself on pizza despite being full of sweets, the fact that I could have done that seems so FAR AWAY from my reality now that it doesn't even seem like the same me.
I've been both impressed and saddened by my own introspection. I was so young, and yet at the same time I had a profound amount of insight, and saddest part of all was the SUFFERING I recorded.
I had a deep deep sadness in me. And that was a huge part of my addiction to sugar.
I don't know if I'll ever really understand exactly where that sadness came from, though I'm sure that it was magnified dramatically by my long term boyfriend who was probably on the emotionally abusive scale.
And yet it is still so sad that that sadness was mixed up with my food. Food was a filler. A distraction. A seemingly "fun" thing to consume when things felt out of control or overwhelming.
And at the same time I feel so deeply grateful that I pursued a path of enlightenment with my desire. I began a process in my journaling that I called "Food Awareness Entries" And numbered them FAE #1, FAE #2, etc.
I feel so grateful that I was able to learn a way to satisfy my desires and manage my life without eliminating sugar completely!
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